I believe in writing. Because
it jots down the you that may only be temperate, the you that was so caught in
a thought that creativity and wild imaginations just starts to fall from
heaven. Is that call inspiration? I’m not very sure. But this is one of those
moments that I wrote down in January, this was that me:
30/1/2012 Kuching
I would like to say that I am a
writer, but I prefer to call myself a "thinker" as the former seems
to have a prerequisite for excellent literacy.
I was in the car with dad today when
I realized, we don't talk much in the car, but we do travel a lot together. To
the farms, around the city, to the waterfalls or other unknown places that he
could think of. And for most of the time, it never felt awkward; the car zones
through the sceneries outside while it was perfect silence in the car. I'm not
sure what's going on in his mind but in mine it would be a continuous surge of 'imaginity' if there's such a thing. I would be
thinking of scenarios that never happened, of daring ideas to the world's problems, of contingencies, of thoughts, of
words and beautiful things.
It could go on for hours while every
little thing that flips through the windshield just adds on to the unseen world
of my imagination. I'm not sure whether the thoughts caused the silence or the
other way around, but what I do know is that the imaginations were always with
me through my growing up as a kid. My family’s in a business, so we had lots of
chores to do. Whether it was done with a willing heart, I remember during all
those times of long hour work, of selling things by the road or farming in the
orchard, my mind would be overflowing with things.
I think a lot, sometimes too much.
Maybe it sprung out of an anxious personality that I used to be, or maybe it is
just plain wild imagination that the world never really thought us
to harness. Or thinking back, maybe those were the times that the God that
I never knew who love me and created me, have been keeping me in company and
telling me great and wonderful things I could never have dreamt as a child.
Usually, if I don't write them down into any tangible form and review it, a
world of wonders that seem almost so real would vanish like a dream, never to
be recall.
However having too much thoughts and
not knowing how to manage them may land me in the wonderland that isn’t all
that wonderful. Being the “thinker” that I am, I would sometimes over-think
certain things. It became a subtle form of anxiety which may seem harmless, or
even wise, but slowly would develop itself into agony. Being overly worried,
thinking of things that are in people's mind that which are not actually what
they are thinking, making pre-mediated ideas 3 steps before a present
situation. It wasn’t that fun anymore.
I think that was why I became
apprehensive in a lot of things back then. Defensive and protective of myself,
not knowing that I was protecting myself from good and great things as well.
I read about what Jesus said of
being “child-like”, and that was exactly what I was not. Worrying was a denial
to my mouth but a hard truth in my conscious. Worrying simply means having the
foolish thought that of “let me handle this”. There was just too much going
through my mind and isn’t that how stress starts to creep in.
I use to despise my mind,
complaining that it does too many things at one go and all I want is just to be
at apiece. When seeing a situation, it can be much more delightful to be simple
and welcoming than to formulate 5 different angles of perspective that may not
even be valid or reasonable at one go. It does seem like a gift, an
unpolished diamond if you will, but it truly wasn’t pleasant-ful.
A lot of renewing was going on as I
deliberately decided to be “child-like”. Not childish but “child-like”, meaning
to me as being not overly-thoughtful and over-concern of things. Especially
when I witness unexplainable things that God is doing which simply baffles your
mind, the normal me would default-ly generate possible conclusions to try to
explain things and satisfy the inner self. I thank God that He has not helped
me in that way, conversely He continues to blow up my mind and thoughts until I
just have to surrender and say, I don’t really know everything.
Since then, I started to learn to
manage my wild thoughts. Harness them and be in control of them instead of the
way around. Be constantly aware that God is speaking through my thoughts and
learn to receive and dissect them.
I believe that my thought-full mind
with an extra ‘l’ is who I learn to accept as. Despite the struggles and pain
it has brought, it was a God-given thing. Under proper management, learning and
yielding, it will be where I shall find my full potential.
And that was me few months ago with
some adding here and there. I do believe in writing because it records down my
progression as a person. All the write-ups are not full representation of the
author because I know what I strongly hold on to now may differ progressively. The me in January and the me in June almost
looks and sounds like two different person as I pursue the renewing
of my mind and the perceiving of things around me. With that said, although I don't know how and what, I will soon, not be the me now.
And that to me, is exciting.
photo credits to mingchun
